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Stephen Ministry

We are in the 8^th of a series on the 10 Commandments, which brings us to the 7^th commandment: You shall not commit adultery (Exodus 20:14).

As I mentioned a few weeks ago with the 4^th commandment, keeping the Sabbath day, that commandment and this one, Do not commit adultery, are arguably the two commandments which our society is most distant from keeping…granting that the 10^th commandment against coveting has, and always will be, a challenge for every society. But our society is so distant from keeping the 4^th and 7^th commandments that those two commandments are not even on our radar screens. And it is the 7^th commandment that sparked this sermon series in response to my shock over the content of a summer TV series on network TV.

We’ll be talking about the topic of sex this morning, a topic which some of you may find disconcerting to be addressed in our sanctuary during a worship service. However, I would suggest to you that it has been the Church’s reticence to address this topic that has contributed, in large measure, to our being where we are today. Over the past five decades the Church needed to be speaking about sex within the design of God’s creation—for most certainly it is a gift from God—speaking to the positives of God’s protection and provision within the Biblical standards of the 7^th commandment, giving society an alternative to the declining standards occurring around us. But, until recently, the Church has been silent on the issue. So, while it might be disconcerting to have sex for our topic today, it is appropriate…and necessary for us to talk about it within the boundary lines of God’s design for it in our lives.

As a starting point, it’s important to say that all of us are guilty of violating this commandment. If I understand Jesus correctly in the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5:27-30), the lustful look, thought and contemplation we all, on occasion, fall prey to convicts us all as guilty of breaking this commandment. One might argue that having never physically committed adultery frees them from a guilty verdict, but the only positive thing to be said is that their guilt in the lustful look or thought didn’t bring damage to anyone else. It devalues the other person, but does not damage others as a physical violation does. But all of us, if we take Jesus’ words seriously, have violated this commandment.

It should also be said that my purpose in this sermon is not to cast judgment on others, or to make anyone feel condemned by their failure to live up to God’s standard on this commandment. Starting from a place of recognizing my own guilt, to begin with, steers me away from casting judgments on others. And my purpose most emphatically is not to condemn, but to invite us all to discover a better way for our relationships—and especially the relationships of loved ones with whom we might have some influence—a better way according to what God wants to protect us from and provide us with. So, hopefully, being clear about those issues, let’s take a closer look at this commandment.

In December, 1953, something new entered into American society. That something new was Playboy magazine…and the Playboy philosophy that accompanied it. Recently I saw a portion of a documentary about the change in American attitudes about sex and the portion I saw included a video clip of Playboy founder, Hugh Hefner, commenting that their goal with the Playboy philosophy was to "revolutionize" America’s attitude toward sex. I would say that they were successful in doing exactly that. One might argue whether less inhibition about the topic was a good or a bad thing, but the absence of the Church in the conversation was definitely a bad thing. With no one effectively countering the Playboy philosophy, the sexual mores of our society began to erode. So much so that by 1966 my 8^th grade confirmation class, in a lesson and discussion of the 10 Commandments, would argue whether "You shall not commit adultery" applied only to infidelity in marriage relationships or applied to all sex outside the bounds of marriage. Our pastor argued for the latter. Our class, in our liberation of the times, argued for the former. The seventh commandment, in our opinion, was irrelevant to our situation—it applied only to infidelity in marriage. Over the years, I have come to understand that it was my pastor and not us, a group of 8^th graders, who was right. Imagine that. God’s design for His gift of sex is within the boundary lines of marriage.

Our society has moved so far away from that standard that to make a stand for it today will bring laughter and ridicule. One making such a stand will be charged with being unrealistic, of being a square, or from the Dark Ages. Some of the voices will even come from the Church. I think I’ve told you before about being an observer at the 2000 General Assembly, sitting in the public section where throughout the Assembly various employees of our national headquarters in Louisville would sit a couple of rows in front of me. During a discussion about the denomination’s sexuality curriculum—which was a poor document and rightly pulled from circulation—a pastor spoke about the need for a curriculum that presented to young people a strong Biblical standard for sex. He spoke about several youth in his church who had taken a chastity pledge—to which one of the employees from our national office looked at her colleagues, laughed and said, "Oh honey, I took that pledge in high school also!" To which everyone else laughed. I’m not sure I’ve ever been more discouraged with our denomination. Take a stand for God’s standard regarding sex and you will be the target of ridicule. But I don’t care. I’m convinced that the best God has for our lives is to live within His standards for our lives, including sex and the 7^th commandment, and we are much the poorer in our relationships for straying so far from God’s standard. The benefit of living within God’s standards regarding sex, as it is for all of the commandments, is best seen within the title for this series on the 10 Commandments—God’s protection and provision. So, let’s look at this topic of sex and God’s protection and provision for us in rejecting the world’s standards and following God’s.

The first thing God wants to protect us from with His standard for our sexual lives is sexually transmitted diseases…STD’s. The number and nature of STD’s has increased dramatically over the decades since the Playboy philosophy entered our society. God wants to protect us from that.

One of the stupidest phrases we’ve come up with in this era of the Playboy philosophy is "safe sex." The only safe sex is sex within the design of God’s creation. Safe sex, in the context it is generally used, is a stupid notion…and a dangerous one.

A few years ago in Amarillo, I got into a discussion with a member of our church about this term "safe sex." She was a nurse and objected to an abstinence presentation she had recently witnessed at a high school. To be sure, many abstinence presentations could be better—they often resort to hyperbole, half-truths and scare tactics. We don’t need that. Give our youth an honest presentation—with all the facts. They can handle it and make wise choices—if we give them the truth. Anyway, Beulah (not her real name!) objected to a hyperbolic presentation about the ineffectiveness of condoms. While I agreed with her objection about the hyperbole, I also disagreed with her perspective on condoms allowing for "safe sex." "Beulah," I said, "suppose that you were single, began a relationship with a man that was heading toward intimacy. Only before that moment, he confessed to you that he had AIDS. Would you be ok with having sex with him with a condom as your only protection?" And her answer was, "No." And I replied, "Then why are we telling our youth that it’s ‘safe?’" "Safe sex" is one of the stupidest terms we’ve ever come up with…and a dangerous one too. "Safe-er sex," maybe, but not "safe sex." If you’re in a conversation with someone who uses the term "safe sex," correct them, would you please? The only "safe sex" is sex within the design that God created. God wants to protect us from sexually transmitted diseases and provide for us physically healthy relationships.

A second thing God wants to protect us from through obedience to the 7^th commandment is bringing all our previous intimate encounters into our marriage relationship. There’s no birth control protection against this, no "safe-er sex" for this one. Such experiences—from one night stands to longer relationships—stay with us and are there to be replayed on the theater of our minds as we become involved in a marriage relationship. Such experiences prevent us from totally giving ourselves to another.

A recent survey of Americans and their sexual habits and values revealed that the average American male has 20 sexual partners in his lifetime; the average American female…6. Assuming one of the 20 for the average male is his wife, he brings 19 other women into his relationship with his wife—not just physically through his vulnerability to STD’s, but emotionally, mentally. He is never able to experience total, absolute intimacy with his wife. God wants to protect us from bringing those experiences into our marriage relationship and wants to provide for us the joy of complete intimacy with one person…our spouse.

The third thing God wants to protect us from—and my kids knew this one was coming—is eros relationships when God wants to provide for us agape relationships. My kids knew this was coming because it was a teaching on relationships I used when I was a youth pastor in Nebraska and it’s been at the center of our discussions on relationships ever since. You see, we English speakers are all confused about love. We use the word "love" all the time in different ways: I love pizza; I love baseball; I love my wife…when, hopefully, we don’t mean the same thing! The Greeks understood this and had different words for love, eros and agape being two of them.

Eros love looks like this: It is temporary; it is conditional—I love pizza, but not pizza with anchovies…or even Meat Lovers pizza that is three days old; I love baseball but not the baseball played by the Rockies last Sunday at Faith Day; Eros love is conditional; it is driven by outward appearances; and it focuses on self…what can I get out of the relationship.

Agape love, on the other hand, is a Godlike love. It is permanent; Agape love is unconditional and is driven by inward character rather than outward appearances; Agape love focuses on the other—what can I do for the other rather than what can I get out of the relationship.

There’s a wonderful moment in the program I used where the presenter, Chap Clark, is addressing an auditorium full of high school youth. After explaining the difference between eros and agape love, Clark asks his audience: "How many of you would say that most relationships you see around you are eros, rather than agape relationships?" Every hand in the auditorium goes up. Then Clark asks, "And how many of you would say that you would prefer to be loved in an agape relationship?" Again, every hand in the auditorium goes up.

One huge consequence to our straying from the standard that God sets for us in the 7^th commandment is that while we all want agape relationships, what we’re building is eros relationships. One key, Clark goes on to teach, toward building agape relationships rather than eros relationships is to keep such areas as the emotional, social, mental, and physical aspects of the relationship moving slower than the level of commitment in the relationship. You can figure out if 25% commitment is dating, 50% commitment is going steady, 75% is engaged to be married and 100% commitment is marriage, you can figure out how far out of pace we are in our promiscuous society with the physical area of most relationships—to say nothing of the emotional, social, and mental areas of relationships. What we want is agape. What we’re building is eros.

My kids knew the eros/agape thing was coming because, as I said, it’s been a part of our lives since that time in the youth group. After we showed the program and discussed it in the youth group I would be driving the car and one or more of my kids would be in the back seat talking with their friends about some relationship happening at junior high school and I’d say, "So, are they building an eros or an agape relationship?" And they’d look at me, roll their eyes and say, "Eros, dad, eros!" Or, we’d be watching TV or a movie and something would develop in the relationship with two of the characters and I’d say, "So, are they building an eros or an agape relationship?" The requisite roll of the eyes and, "Eros, dad, eros!" It got to where I didn’t even have to say anything. Something would happen in the movie and they’d immediately look at me and say, "Eros, dad, eros!" It was great! They got it! What they did with it was and is their choice, but they understand what is at stake. God wants to give us an agape relationship, but when we stray outside His boundary lines for our relationships we begin to build eros relationships instead.

Finally, God wants to protect us from relationships where trust is broken. This is especially critical in marriage relationships and violations of the 7^th commandment. I wish it were possible—at the moment of temptation to stray, at the moment of flirtation toward infidelity in marriage—to have a video played of the future consequences, how giving into a temporary pleasure results in so much permanent damage to others, not to mention ourselves. Do you think John Edwards feels today that it was worth it? It is that which God wants to protect us from and provide for us instead relationships of absolute, complete trust. My heart breaks for the damage that is done—in marriages, in building relationships—when we stray outside the boundaries of the 7^th commandment…and God’s heart breaks even more.

The bad news is…I don’t see our society changing anytime soon regarding its embrace of the Playboy philosophy. It’s too titillating, too pleasurable. God designed sex to be that way, thank God for that, but its great strength of pleasure becomes its greatest weakness also. So, I don’t see society changing its standards anytime soon. All of us—our children, our grandchildren, our great grandchildren—are going to continue to experience more temptations daily in everyday life than our forefathers did on weekends when they went looking for it. That’s the bad news.

The good news is, first of all, that God is gracious. While God can’t take away our experiences of failure, or the recollection of past experiences seared into our memories, God can restore our hearts, repair some of the damage, and lead us into right relationships. And the good news is God can use us, needs us to be His messengers of the standards He has for our relationships in a world that is very far removed from those standards. Teach your children, your grandchildren about the difference between eros and agape relationships and encourage them in building agape relationships. Give them valid reasons to resist the world’s standards—or, more accurately, the lack of standards in the world—and the benefits of seeking to follow God’s standards. No fears of sexually transmitted diseases. No memories of previous experiences being brought into our marriage relationships. Teach that to the young people in your family. The world expects so little out of them. "Abstinence won’t work so teach them ‘safe sex’ instead." No! There is much at stake and the benefits of following God’s standards are huge! Teach them to others, to our young people especially. I think they can understand, recognize the benefits to and adopt the standards that God has for them. It will be difficult—temptations will attack them every day—but it is possible. And worth it.

And please, correct people when they use that stupid phrase "safe sex." Insist on the truth—that there may be "safe-er sex," but there is no such thing as "safe sex," outside of the parameters God has established for sex.

And finally, don’t be silent anymore. We’ve lost a lot of ground with our silence, some of it we’ll never get back, but be silent no more. Make a stand for—and a case for—the standards God has established for our sexuality and the building of agape relationships in our lives. To a world that sees the 7^th commandment as the prime example of God’s cosmic killjoy of all our fun, point them to the positives of God’s protection and provision for us in His commandment, "You shall not commit adultery."